Top Ten Theological Explanations For Same-Sex Attraction

On a lighter note, here are the ten best reasons I can come up with for why God allowed same-sex attraction to exist:

(10) God doesn’t like that we have to face temptations, but He really does care a heck of a lot about fashion.

(9) Do you really think Michaelangelo would have been so meticulous, working on “David”, if he had just thought, “Guys — blegh!”

(8) When God made Eve, she didn’t immediately agree with God that Adam’s genitals were “good”; she just thought they were “funny-lookin”.  So God made Steve.

(7) God enjoys musical theater as much as the next guy.

(6) Women with buzz-cuts.  Nuff said.

(5) God really liked the bits in the Gospel where Jesus laid into the hypocrites, but he found that Christian teaching over the years had made people so humble about their sins that blatant hypocrisy and Pharisaism had fallen to the wayside.  So, for entertainment’s sake, he made people gay, thereby creating all sorts of hypocrites who stood in judgment over them, and paving the way for more divine entertainment, as God watches faithful Christians make hypocrites look like damnfools.

(4) God really liked the bits in the Bible where Paul talked about the beauty of a life where we are hard-pressed in every way, but resist sin.  So he made same-sex attraction, and he totally delights in bragging to his angels about how totally awesome chaste gay people are.

(3) New Testament God was all like, “My grace is sufficient for you” and Old Testament God was all like, “I wanna kick butt and take names”, so O.T. God got Sodom to go all “I’m gonna turn you into mincemeat” on, and N.T. God got a group of do-wells and ne’er-do-wells to have mercy on.

(2) God realized that science is greatly benefitted by attempts to do the impossible – e.g. to turn lead into gold, to send a man to another solar system, to tame Donald Trump’s hair, et cetera.  So he put mankind to work on an even more enormous task: to make exclusively gay people straight.  This has largely been a failure, although there are signs of progress, I suppose: witness gay men’s completely bizarre obsession with Judy Garland.

(1) One word (errr, band): Abba.


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